TL;DR: in my view we never completely overcome deep seated fears and anxieties when we're outdoors. Sometimes we choose enjoyment and forget the fear for a second. Then, it comes back and haunts us for a while until we take a leap of faith in ourselves and choose enjoyment again. This is a story of some of my fears of being upside down in a kayak. Yes, I spend a lot of time rolling my kayak and love it. But I also feel a little scared when I close my eyes in the shower.
In 2017 I was sea kayaking with my club at the time in stunning Dorset along the Jurassic Coast. In those days my sea kayaking trips involved rushing from the office in Cambridge on a Friday night; either to head to West London like a loaded mule on public transport with multiple bags to catch a lift with a friend or drive to Dorset for on my own in a packed car. While they were glorious days, it was tough to get to the sea from Cambridge and putting up a tent at sometimes 11pm while it’s rainy and windy was, well, a little rubbish. I digress, this post is about having a fear or multiple fears but realising we sometimes don’t overcome them.
When I’m coaching people either new to paddlesport or those who are more established I sometimes get insight to deep rooted anxieties or fears about our bodies, paddlesport or indeed the water. I personally find discussing my own anxieties sometimes difficult because traditional models of leadership dictate that we must put our group at ease with panache and finesse. Well, sometimes I have neither and my group get to see a version of me that is sometimes broken but still going.
The incident in surf
In 2017 while sea kayaking the weather was particularly good and we reached an area that was new to me. Swanage, the beach I later found out to be a very popular surf spot was, you guessed it, full of big surf when we approached it. I had done some sizeable surf landings before, so I didn’t think much of this surf either. I had recently learned to “bongo slide” a wave-bringing the kayak parallel to the wave and making sure it doesn’t capsize you. We caught a few very nice waves and played in the surf for a while. For those who haven’t participated in this slightly wild activity, it involves paddling out in your sea kayak past the surf zone, catching a wave and surfing back to the beach. Sea kayaks are a bit long and unwieldy so things can get interesting in surf.
At some point the waves changed and became more frequent and dumping on the beach. I can’t remember why I didn’t notice this, but something went wrong on a wave and I capsized while surfing to the beach. I was slightly buried on a beach inside my kayak with big waves dumping on the beach fast enough to not let me escape. I think I must have been in there for a minute or a bit longer, which sounds like nothing but it’s a bit longer than desirable to be under water. I knew it was bad when I eventually escaped and my leaders were a little more than relieved to see me
Ever since then, surf and I have stayed a little distant. Starting paddleboarding in 2019/20 meant that surf was a frequent topic of conversation but I always declined offers to play in surf. I didn’t talk about it for years, but I now try and be honest about my fears so people can understand why I’m staying away.
Motivation to try surfing again
In January 2022 year I attended a blueboundwomen goal setting meet up with other water women and we spent time thinking about goals, fears and why we love watersports. Out of nowhere really, I realised I wanted to get over this fear of surf because I was holding myself back from a lot of activities.
I did a lot of sessions in surf over 2022 on various paddleboards, standing, kneeling, lying down, sitting and had a really good laugh. It felt safe, even when the surf was quite big. Two weeks ago while leading a group unfortunately someone took a tumble, and after I put them back in the kayak they lost their balance again and this time pulled me down with them. I wasn’t holding my paddle and the water was 2ft deep so rolling wasn’t an option for me. I just remember not being able to find my spray deck to pull it off and get out of the kayak. A few extra seconds and I used my legs to push the deck off and bail out. Not the best experience, if I’m honest, but it reinforced my little fear of being upside down in water.
The timing of this little incident wasn’t great, because I had to pull myself together to get the group back, then lead a few more groups that weekend before getting ready for a weekend of sea kayaking in Sir Benfro (Pembrokeshire) with my club.
Surf and me
The forecast for Pembrokeshire over the weekend was dire. We were expecting 6-8ft swell and strong winds both days of the weekend. I packed my boat anyway, along with walking and running shoes because I didn’t want to miss a weekend in such a stunning part of the country that I had never visited. The forecast changed on the Friday, merely a few hours before I was meant to set off on my journey. I felt lucky and grateful that kayaking would be possible after all.
Our journey started at Ystagbwll (Stackpole quay) only because we were based not far from there. The sky was grey with a hint of sunshine and the wind was manageable. We travelled along the coastline and headed east, towards Tenby. On a different weather day we could have maybe tried to get to Caldy Island. We approached Maenorbŷr (Manorbier) beach around lunchtime and decided it was going to be a potential lunch spot. From about a mile away, all I saw was white waves covering the entire bay, with breaking waves on the west and high cliffs on the east. The mission to land on that beach with 15 or so sea kayaks did not seem desirable to me, but others wanted to try and see if landing was an option. A few minutes later, our Guinea pig returned and said “nope, it’s suicidal”. Off we went again.
Instead we went back towards Freshwater East and decided to lunch there. The surf didn’t look too big and it seemed like a nice Sandy beach for a rest. For reasons only known to some, we decided to land on the eastern side of the bay which had a fair bit of surf whereas the western side was calm. My instinct was to land on the western side, knowing my fear of surf, but peer pressure got me to forget my fear for a little while. I landed gracefully without issues and felt relieved.
On the way back out, the wind had picked up a little bit and the surf was also building. I was feeling confident after my successful dry surf landing earlier so I decided to do what I used to do in the old days and reverse paddle out into surf. After watching the waves and timing the gap perfectly, I paddled out and was ready to bask in my glory. Unfortunately the surf had gotten a lot bigger while I paddled out and a wave decided to bring me back to the beach. Ugh. I emptied the kayak and went forwards this time, only to be completely soaked by waves that went over my head. I was the only one that got totally wet, but at least I got a free salty facial.
My fear is surf is not overcome, as I had naively hoped back in 2022. I did a few additional surf landings and launches on day 2 of our Pembrokeshire weekend and every time felt a little stressful.
I wanted to write this post to give everyone reading a chance to reflect on their fears and maybe consider that it’s ok to never completely conquer a fear. We can do things that really scare us, rather than let it place limits on our enjoyment. I really enjoy playing in surf, the smiles are unparalleled but the fear factor is equally high!
Let me know in the comments if you have similar fears about being upside down in your kayak, or if you also have a gentle undulating fear of surf. I’m always happy to boost others in their journey
Happy paddling ! X